September 15, 2025

I’ve been going down many rabbit holes in the past month and feeling inspired and crazed at the same time. Honestly, I love feeling lost in these worlds, feverish and exhilarated by new internet discoveries. Last night and today I actually became sick with a fever (the consequence of my explorations reaching a pitch), so I decided to sit down and take stock of what I’ve been researching.

My most recent rabbit holes have been:

- chaos theory; the fractal structure of the phase space shape of the trajectory of some chaotic systems; societal organization and culture as strange attractors

- Self-similar fractals (typical, smh)

- Jungian archetypes and the mind as archetype designer... the mind automatically conjures narrative figures and patterns given stimuli

- The Fool as God; creationist myths, new beginnings, the experience of experience or the unfolding of consciousness; playfulness, tricks, and jokes and their relationship to creativity

- higher-dimensional mathematics (synchronicities are fully 'visible' in higher dimensional space)

- Benadryl and datura trip reports (paranoia, fear, the Hat Man stays on my mental... why do people see the same horrific visions? Could there be common dark archetypal symbols and characters?)

- quantum physics (particles exploring every possible path and constructively interfering to appear as the path of least action)

- The relationship between God and Satan (this train of thought came from a friend). Fluid duality.

As a 5 on the enneagram, understanding concepts helps me deal with my anxiety. I feel compelled to apply these explorations to music. I have been making breakthroughs with sound design and “chaotic” melodic experiments (taking inspiration from Iannis Xenakis and deconstructed SoundCloud artists). I hope to focus my experiments into actual tracks so that I can make significant progress on my next album. Songwriting has been difficult for me. Often times I would rather tread a new path than hear a concept to its end, but I am working on holding on for as long as I can and returning when necessary.

I think honing in on the overarching themes of my music project helps me progress a specific vision that could resonate with listeners. This is another reason why I have been obsessively scouring information related to my immediate interests. I hope that my directed attention influences the unfolding of others’ experiences. I hope that my hopes and desires are adequately translated. I fear that my vision is too cold and mechanical for others to relate to. I want people to relate to my music on a visceral level because emotionally charged works by other artists stick with me the most. I remind myself that everything I have ever felt, dreamed, or thought, someone else has also felt, dreamed, and thought.

What comforts me is the idea that emergent behaviors can result from "simple" rules. I shouldn’t be afraid to understand the world from a mathematical perspective as I like to do. My observational distance is my swag. At first glance, explanations for complex experience may seem flattening; however, I think there is deep profundity and beauty to self-similar, formalizable systems and their generative possibilities.

I sometimes worry that my interests are too removed from the dark reality of capitalism that we all live in. My default coping mechanisms are disassociation and compartmentalization. Attempting to make sense of our senseless world inevitably becomes reflected in art -- our music becomes more distorted, dark, evil, bass-heavy. Distractedly euphoric. Disassociated. Or, more in the other direction, pop-y and simple and clean and aspirational.

Thanks for reading.

Until next time,

Vivi